Very unhappy today.

I can't help but get angry at everything that went wrong. I know I shouldn't be like this, I know it's damn childish but I can't fucking help it.

Fucking finish work at 12 midnight. Ate dinner at 11.30pm. Just because she's the boss she gets to eat and we have to finish up before we get to eat our dinner? We're fucking humans too. She knew it was going to be this busy, and yet she refuses to employ more ppl to work. How the fuck is 3 person suppose to handle a restaurant that sits 99 customers, not forgetting the phone orders and takeaways, and today was bloody full house.

Fucking busy tonight. And it's always busy times that you get fucked up customers that I wished I could rip their faces apart.

I'm not feeling well so I don't feel like going tmrw. Don't fucking get angry at me just because of that. I didn't fucking plan to get sick damnit. You know what, I'll just fucking pay for my ticket and not go. So what if it's expensive?!

Picked up the phone, but couldn't think of anyone I could call at this hour. Didn't want my mum to be worried. Never felt so alone. I fucking hate this. Hope I don't wake up with swollen eyes tmrw.

Just want to get over with tmrw's stereosonic concert...

I've had ENOUGH of shit this week.

Everyone's busy preparing for exams cause it's in exactly a week's time. I've been studying nonstop trying to cover all the lectures I've skipped. And omg I've still got Annukka's Cognitive development lects I haven't watched yet. I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to finish revising everything before exams. But like she said in one of her lects, total-time hypothesis states that the amount learned is proportional to the time devoted to learning. So the way in which I study is more important than the amount of time spent studying. Yea so I haven't been the nerdiest student around that's sure to score an A but you know what, I'll catch up!

Anyway, in the midst of exam stress, I sometimes freak out and feel like giving up. Like yesterday. Hence the emo and depressing post. But today I'm back on my feet again! :) While I was feeling miserable yesterday, I found motivation again in my rockstar. Watching him perform on stage and seeing how much he enjoys doing what he does as an artist, inspires me to want to do better in whatever I do too, and most importantly, enjoy what I'm doing.

Everyone turns to different things for inspiratinal and motivational purposes. I hope you all find your motivation to help you through this exam prep! :) 

An image found on imgfave which I thought I did like to share with you guys :)

And after exams, it's PARR-TAY!!

I got a text from a close friend saying Baby. I'm sad. I think my ex has a new gf.

Memories triggered and I'm reminded of the days when I first found out my ex got back in the game with his new girl, or should I say - girls. These are the moments we hate most, isn't it? Knowing that the person you dumped or dumped you has moved on. Admit it, it sucks. No matter how well you cover your feelings up or how well you convince your mates that you're over it and you don't care, deep down inside you know it hurts. Especially when you're the one dumped and the one that dumped you, happily moves on with life. I am a darn good example for you.

After he dumped me, I was so sad I believe I had minor depression. My best friend decided to bring me to church weekly so that I can turn to God in hopes of healing all that that has gone wrong. During my months/years of being depressed, I knew he has moved on but I chose not to know anything. To me, ignorance is bliss. Not having any social networking account kept me safe and sound. Because what I don't know can't hurt me. Until my last trip home, while out on a friend's party, another friend "accidentally" blurted things out that I wasn't suppose to know. This is the N-number of gfs my ex has had after me, but this time, this one's different. She was my church friend, the one who patted me on the back and told me to be strong; the one who saw the worst of me in that church. It's unimaginable. This girl I once knew and what's really beneath that mask she wears.. Angel or demon? Your call.

Now that someone close to me has come to me for the same reasons that once hurt me too, I could only say the same thing other friends had said to me - You don't need him cause you're gonna find someone better. But honestly, nothing said can make any difference. At the end of the day, that feeling of sadness still remains. And you will continue to drown in it, until the day you decide to swim to shore and give yourself a second chance to live.

A blog is a place where we should feel safe enough to speak our inner voices. A place where any of us are allowed to write about anything we wished to let out. But most of the time this isn't the case. Alot of times the things we wished most to say, we don't, as this will protect the feelings of others. So why have blogs when the safest way to keep secrets is to not tell anyone at all?

When I blog about my daily routines, I'm afraid to bore my readers (that's if I have any at all). When I blog about my problems, it only seems as if my blog's filled with unhappy events. When I blog about relationship or friendship fall outs, it might make me sound as if I'm still living in the past. This isn't a place where we say what we really want to say, but a place where we say what we want others to hear.

Alot has been on my mind, with exams nearing and less than a month and half before I'm home again. Home is a place one feels safe in. But I'm so afraid. And I don't even know what is it that I'm so afraid of when I know for a fact I've never wronged anyone. It's them who owes me an apology. It's them who should be ashamed. All of these fears, who do I tell when I know no one else can help me but myself? 

I keep telling myself that I don't have a reason to be angry with him. But I'm only lying because I am so angry with him. And I feel as if something in my life is missing,just that I can't figure out what it is. But I know this thing that's missing, it's his fault. I don't think I can ever find a place in my heart to forgive him, cause I don't think he deserves it..

"...and that's the reason why you're still single."

ouch. </3

Moments ago I was really upset. Slept only at 6am this morning, go on facebook to find that this guy is no longer single, then have someone tell it right to my face "...and that's the reason why you're still single" while having a casual conversation with this person.

How can this person make such judgments when they don't know half the things I've gone thru? If this person have gone thru half the shit I've gone thru, then this person is entitled tell me 10000000000 reasons why I'm still single and I promise I would sit quietly and take every comment he/she has to say about me!

I'm still single BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO BE.
Just because you and everyone else have a bf/gf, does that mean I have to have a bf too? NO.
Just because 99% of ppl feel the need to be in a relationship at this age, does that mean I have to feel the same way too? NO.
Just because this is the way to be, this is the norm, does that mean I have to be just like everyone else? NO.

In your whole life, you're going to love alot of ppl and you're going to fall out of love with these ppl you once loved. It's a trial and error thing, where you break up with a wrong guy and find a new one and then the same cycle repeats itself. You can choose to be in trial and error relationships, until you find the right guy. OR you can choose to wait, until the right one comes along. Everyone's different.

I choose to wait, because I don't want to go thru that horrible feeling again. Being in a relationship makes me vulnerable and dependent on the other half and that when it's all gone, I turn into this really useless person. A very simple example, my ex used to pick me up from home everyday and we did go to college together. After class everyday he did sent me home. Weekends when we went out, he did pick me up. Everywhere we went, I didn't have to drive at all. I felt there was no need to learn driving eventhough I was already old enough to get a license. I became so dependent on him, and that one day when he left, I felt so useless. Ever since then, I promised never to be dependent on anyone. If I want to go somewhere, I would get myself there. If I want something, I would earn it on my own.

Today is just one of those bad days I get once in awhile. Tmrw's a brand new day. Everyone's entitled to say anything they want, it's their mouth and it's their choice of words. Since I can't stop them from making judgments about me, but I can stop myself from feeling upset about it. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. Ignore. Just like how the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.